Lovely Bones
by LittleSwanLover
Summary: "Maybe we should go to the Doctor? This has been going on too long Regina." Red lips kissed Emma's forehead as the wave of pain seemed to pass. Regina lingered down the side of her cheek to husk in her ear in such a way that always got her full attention. "It's just a pinched nerve or something. I'll be fine my dulce nina." SwanQueen - One shots
1. Lovely Bones

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**Lovely Bones**

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That look is there again. Emma sees it in those eyes hiding behind a pair of thick glasses and the certain set of the mouth on the Doctor's face. She frowns deeply, as the corners of her mouth purse to a point enough to pinch her cheeks.

The look that says he knows more than he is letting on as he greets them and closes the door to the cold sterile room behind him. That he is about to say something that will make her guts tense and the hair on the back of her arms stand upright. He sits down on a black rolling stool that squeaks. The one Emma had been perched on before he entered the room. She had sat there minutes ago next to Regina while bouncing her knee up and down much too quickly like her heart beat as they waited.

How her wife was the epitome of calm and reassuring smiles was beyond Emma. Calm and collected through this whole thing—at least when other people were watching. Regina was not one to break down out in the open. Or to break open as she helped Emma break open behind their bedroom door. To be vulnerable is an exceptional thing. A special kind of tenderness just between them. In private and not often Regina let those walls come down too. Unlike the wall Emma was holding up now.

Emma focused her eyes on the floor. The Doctor's shoes are too shiny Emma decided, as if he purposely buffed them to perfection for their visit this morning. Regina's hand on her arm brings her back into focus. That touch always has that effect.

His fat finger touch the computer screen on the desk. Emma shivers as a digital file is clicked for their viewing. Her hands go from hugging her ribs through her red leather jacket, her armor, much too tightly to gently resting on her wife's shoulders.

Strong shoulders that carried their family all these years. Ones their son Henry had sat on when he was just a little boy now a collage freshman. Those arms too had held their son to nurse and soft hands Emma loved to hold. She liked those hands inside her too. Stroking her to places in her mind she never imagined she could go. Sometimes they were gently firm in a way Emma needed when she was feeling out of control. They made her feel safe. Made her feel whole and real. But lately their natural roles had shifted. Lately those arms and hands had trouble moving with the grace and fluidity used to. They were tired hands and arms that belong to an exhausted woman.

Then the pain had started to creep in and not the good kind that Emma learned could exist on her skin at her wife's finger tips. Little by little the bad pain crept into her wife's limbs and back and Emma had begun to worry. Regina had_ tisked_ her concerns, but took the offered massages and hot soaks in the tub Emma had prepared for her to help ease this new ache. Regina had described the pain as a burning sensation at first. A match struck at the base of her spine and then a rush of sparks that shot up her back and down her limbs in spasms. When this happened Regina began to sweat and pant and grunt. Then tense enough so that the cords in a neck stood out in a frightening way. Emma would crouch in her favorite place at her wife's feet, stroking the tops of stocking covered feet in a soothing fashion until it passed.

"Maybe we should go to the Doctor? This has been going on too long Regina."

"It's just a pinched nerve or something." Red lips would kiss her forehead and linger down the side of her cheek to husk in her ear in such a way that always brought Emma's nipples to attention. "I'll be fine _dulce nina_."

_'Or something._' Emma thought in worry. But then the next day her wife would be fine again and sometimes days after a spasm attack.

The pain and this cycle between them came and went for a few months until it was suddenly too much. Too much pain and a struggle to breathe was what had landed them in the emergency room a few days ago. The pain was treated but not the cause. Then the tests were ordered and more and more of them kept coming and the one they were here to get the results of today was what was making Emma chew the inside of her cheeks as she stared at that computer screen waiting for the file to open fully. A sour metallic taste filled her mouth making it water in a way that made her nauseous.

Regina leaned back into her then, but not fully and oh so gently Emma knew least it hurt.

It used to never hurt to touch her wife. That caramel skin and muscles used to flow and ebb under her fingers. So responsive and always wanting more. Like Emma always wanted more of the taste of Regina in her mouth. But now they had to be careful in a way that made hugging her wife like hugging a delicate glass doll she expected to break. Emma leaned forward and kissed the top of Regina's head. Firm and long she rested her lips there. She could kiss there and it did not hurt.

The screen lit up as she looked up at the PET scan results. The silhouette of her wife's torso on the screen was covered with a scatter of red and yellow dots. Some seemed to twinkle brightly on their own and others clustered together in masses. Like tangled Christmas lights. Except there were too many of them in this picture. A growing fire of tangled lights in layers the doctor scrolled through with the click of a mouse. Emma had no plug to pull to put them out.

Words like _aggressive_, _high grade,_ _metastasized_, and_ Chemotherapy_ were said. Emma's eyes began burning, pulling Regina back more firmly against her. The grunt from her wife said it was too much pressure and Emma stepped back automatically, but not back all the way for the way Regina's hands came up to cover her own. They squeezed.

And Emma squeezed back.

Then the C-word she had been dreading the idea of came roaring out of the Doctor's mouth.

Cancer. In the bone. In her wife's lovely bones and Emma locked her knees in place to keep standing. Regina began to ask questions to the Doctor. The hard and necessary questions that Emma was running from in her mind. Calm and collected Regina was speaking as if this was news they got every day, but a controlled tone that demanded honest answers. And Emma just stood there holding those two perfect hands in her own.

Later they walked out of that office slowly hand in hand. Emma pressed the button for the elevator doors to open and swallow them up. Inside and alone for a moment Regina turned and pressed into her chest. Emma tucked her wife up under her chin and ran her hand down and through dark hair as she murmured reassurances she was not sure would prove true.

At home, Regina copied the way Emma kicked off her shoes and dropped her things by the front door. A mess Regina never made and somehow her wife managed to make it a neat one next to her pile of stuff on the floor. A dark thought crossed her mind and Emma forced it out away from her, but not before Regina noticed it.

"Emma?"

A forced smile. "It's nothing."

"No it's something." Amber eyes searched hers. "Talk to me."

And Emma shook her head as the tears she had been pushing down all day pushed right back. Regina's eyes shifted and her pet name came from those red lips making it easier to consider that idea of talking.

"Come with me _dulce nina_." Sure and moving Regina led the way upstairs to their bedroom.

The carpet was soft under Emma's socked feet and the cool dark of the room, their nest, welcomed them from the heat of the day. The door closed and Emma slipped right to her knees on the floor at her wife's feet. Two hands rested on the crown of her head as knowing fingers began stroking through her strands. Tingles and a wave of calm began to coarse through Emma. Regina's touch was a balm to the sting words had slapped her soul with today. Emma leaned forward carefully into those hands. She felt Regina move one to cup her chin, lifting it up. Tear bright she let herself be led by the one who held her heart.

"What was that look downstairs for, hmm?" A thumb moved to rest on her bottom lip before it went to Emma's cheek. Rubbing there it coaxed in a firm and quiet way that expected an answer.

But the one Emma had on the tip of her tongue would make the idea running amok in her mind real. She hesitated. In her hesitation she was drawn up to stand and led to the bed. Slowly Regina sat down and back against stack of strategically positioned pillows as Emma stood by watching closely. A hand patted the empty space next to a lap and just as slowly and more carefully Emma snuggled into her wife's side, resting her head in a lap as she curled up along those legs. Regina's fingers stroked her hair and cheeks. It was there Emma's wall tumbles down. She was held as her silent tears began soaking a skirt.

"My _Nina_?"

"I'm sorry." Emma spit out between breaths and she turned her face in time to see a look of worry pass over Regina's features before the one she was used to in this headspace she was in returned. "Regina I'm _so_ sorry."

A soft chuckle. "If you are _that_ kind of sorry than we need to have a different kind of talk."

Emma wiped her cheek as a small smile crept in on her face for the one blooming above her at the reminder the special intimacy between them. Regina's hand patted her butt playfully and Emma ducked her chin hiding her growing grin. Then serious again. "I am though for what I thought downstairs and for how I feel about it." Emma tried again to say what she was feeling. They had made that promise to each other. A promise that was sacred especially as they were now. "I was looking at our stuff on the floor side by side and for a second I imagined what it would be like it if wasn't like that anymore. If you were—gone."

She couldn't say the word today's office visit had triggered. The real in a reality she was just now beginning to feel. It chewed the walls of her heart and Emma moved her hand to her chest in a fist to rub the tightness away. Regina's hand covered her own. Just like in the office earlier. Emma leaned down kissing those knuckles, each one her lips had memorized long ago. And she wanted the pleasure of memorizing them all over again. Again and again on loop.

"That's a very scary thought."

"Uh huh." Emma's eyes blurred all over again. Then a croak. "I'm sorry."

"Any why are you sorry for what you feel?"

Another hard question. Emma was tired of hard questions, but had promised to answer the ones from that mouth. She was quiet for a long minute and gained a few deep breaths. "Because you're the one going through_ this_ Regina. You're the one in pain and going through the tests and everything. This is about you."

"Sit up my _Nina_ and look at me please."

A firm instruction Emma quickly heeded. On her knees and her eyes met her wife's. She was unveiled by those eyes layer by layer and then pulled close as her chin was taken. Emma she was drawn down to rest against her wife's chest as Regina's lips consumed her own. They tasted like a warm sense of knowing and of a promise. Full red lips sucked her bottom one gently and then teeth nipped possessively before her mouth was taken over. And gently she was released a minute later as their foreheads rested together. Regina began to remind her of the rest of what that promise between their lips meant.

"This is about us, not just me. We are going through this together and we will get through this together like we do everything else."

"But—"

A finger quickly hushed her and tapped her lips in such a reassuring way that brought a calm Emma needed. One only Regina could give her. "No buts. And you can have your feelings. They are not wrong. However we are a team. We are going to fight this just like we do everything that has ever come our way. We can do anything we set our minds to together."

"That's what I'm scared of. Us not being together." Emma let out a breath she was not aware she was holding as her lashes fluttered against Regina's cheek. "There's no me without you." She could hear Regina release one as well and she opened her eyes to find a rare wet kind of amber colored ones looking at her. The kind that were scraped raw at the corners, but shined bright with hope in the middle.

Emma hung onto that hope there as she tucked in under that chin and hung onto Regina's hand. A perfect hand that had such lovely bones. And Emma brought them up to her lips to kiss once more.

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**A/N – Raw and unedited, but some of what had been going through my mind lately since the news. Thanks for reading.**


	2. Less is More

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**Less is More**

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At first Emma thought she knew what to expect. That was part of the problem. She had read and listened to other people's experiences to form her expectations. But _this_ didn't work like that. This was too close to home and far more so than she was comfortable with.

Emma didn't do personal. She was not the type of person to mix work with home or get caught up in gossip. She didn't like people knowing the intimate details of her life. She was not on social media for exactly that reason. Exposure and too much of it had been her reality on steroids lately.

But cancer was like that; too personal.

Too much.

Too real and in her face.

More than she thought she could handle.

And Emma wished it was less. Less doctor visits, less infusions, less medication, less paperwork, and less bills. Less of everything about how their life had changed. But not less like she noticed Regina had been eating or less like the number on the scale, or less like she touched her wife least she leave a bruise or cause pain. Less bone mass, less red cells and white cells and platelets flowing in veins under caramel skin that had become defined in some places the more the weight came off.

And through it all Emma was determined to do more.

More smiling, more positive thinking, more chores around the house, cooking and more of the things Regina used to have the energy for. And if she couldn't do it she paid to have it done. Then it became too much and she struggled to do everything that needed doing in addition to caring for her wife. More and more Emma learned to ask for help. That was hard to do the first time. Then it became easier and easier to say yes when she was too exhausted to say no.

Emma had always been her own plan B when life got hard. Then Regina happened and she learned to be vulnerable in ways she had never imagined. Stripped raw for the taking in a way she only let her wife see her. And she let Regina take her in any which way because Emma trusted that Regina would always make sure she landed on her feet.

Every single time Regina kept that promise.

More time was passing though and less was becoming more in a way that Emma was struggling to deal with. Through it all, like always and always Regina put on the brave mask. Had a smile, a joke or smart ass remark for any loop that got thrown their way. But those amber colored eyes she loved to get lost in started to say something else; something less and something more at the same time.

Emma noticed it the first time after they had gotten the PET scan results. Then a little more when the first day of chemo arrived. And with the more came the mask Regina put on and the less Regina let her see behind.

They used to sleep naked; curled side by side like the only answer to a question. Regina had taken to wearing pajamas, insisting that the medication made her cold. And Emma went with it. At first. But her wife always ran hot, often throwing the covers off them in the middle of the night. She missed that skin on her skin.

And lips on her lips. They used to make out like teenagers. Tasting each other's dreams and hopes on mouths whispering together long into the night. Now they had to be careful about germs and infections and swapping body fluid on days before, during, and after chemo.

Emma learned to get used to wearing a white face mask that hooked behind her ears when she thought she might be sick. And sleeping in the guest room on nights she felt less then well. Just in case. Just to be sure her sniffles were not something more. But always during those nights Regina found her. In dreams they met, they touched, they kissed and soaked the sheets with sweat from their love making. And one night she woke up to Regina curled up alongside her in the guest room anyway, one arm wrapped tight around her waist refusing to let go. That was the last night she let Regina sleep alone, sniffles be damned. But Emma still took precautions.

This new normal her life was becoming changed the way she thought about everyday things. They used to do a lot of things Emma found herself missing. And not the things she thought she might miss if she would have been asked for her predictions in the beginning of this nightmare. She thought the things she would miss would be more somehow. But the things she missed were things like running errands together and taking a long walk in the evenings. They still did those things, but in much shorter time increments and with specific planning around medications and energy levels. Just less than they used to.

The C-word took over in every way. There was no getting away from it. It was on the radio, TV, on billboards, in their mail, their pantry, the medicine cabinet, on the scale, their schedule, in sleep, their lips, their minds; no getting away, no breaks, no breathing room. And Regina seemed to be disappearing behind the mask of _'I'm fine'_ more and more.

But Emma was not fine. And she didn't think Regina was either.

Emma thought about all this as she watched her wife go into the bathroom for a shower. That door closed when it never used to and the click today was too much. Emma listened as the water came on. Like the water spilling down her cheeks she wiped at with her finger tips and then her palms when her eyes wouldn't shut up.

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As a child Regina's mother used to call it her crowning glory. Her father loved seeing it fly out like a flag whenever they rode horses together. Their son Henry used to curl his chubby little fingers around the ends to soothe when he was a toddler.

And Emma.

Emma loved to bury a nose right in it at the nape of her neck and smell her conditioner. Those fingers liked to stroke and brush through it whenever her girl was upset. Liked to grab it as an anchor whenever they made love. They still did that, but it was careful and Regina was so tired of being careful. She missed the carefree and playful ways Emma would touch her. More she missed the light in her wife's eyes. It was there. Emma made sure of that, but less of that light shined on the hard days. There seemed to be more of those as of late.

Today was one of them.

Regina sighed and stared down at her lap and the newest thing she would need to adapt to. At first it was only a little. Hardly more than the normal amount lost on any given day. Then it started being more and more until it was thinning all together. This went on for weeks as her body began changing more. Her skin, her nails, her weight and coloring. Finally it was affecting her hair and Regina began to wash it less. Brushed it less. And less it became. She took to wearing it naturally wavy. For a few weeks the volume of it seemed like more. But it was still less as time went on.

She knew this was a possibility. More than that; knew it was inevitable with the chemo cocktail she was on. But it didn't seem real at first. Round one of chemo and the loss had begun. But it wasn't noticeable. By round two it was becoming that way. She wondered if she would have any left when round three came to be. She had been able to hide it until now. Been creative with her style and preparation. Now when she looked in the mirror it was obvious. Maybe not yet to others, but to her it was. And soon it would be to Emma.

Regina didn't want her girl to look at her that way. Like she was sick.

But now she looked sick. She looked like the women in those commercials. The ones who smiled for whatever drug was being advertised and promised the return of what was being lost. Regina smiled like that or tried to, but lately her smile did not reach her eyes. That she knew Emma noticed and seemed to today when they had been making dinner together, or started to before she had to sit down as a wave of nausea took over her stomach.

She had tried to eat the tacos Emma ended up making for them. But the seasoned ground turkey felt like gravel in her mouth and burned when she swallowed, scraping her sensitive throat. Still she forced that first bite down. She had to eat. Had to regain the weight she lost. Emma said as much without saying it. Emma had turned their date to cook around with a smile saying she was excited to cook on her own. To show what had been learned the last few months in the kitchen. Her _dolce nina_ had gone all out in preparation.

Regina couldn't get down a second bite.

Emma insisted gently at first and then more so until Regina had snapped. Hadn't meant to. Neither of them had. Their natural roles had changed. The sun now shined at night or so it felt with her girl's care giving. What was once her role had been taken like she felt the parts of her life had been taken away. And Emma hadn't meant to in that way; was doing her best to keep their roles intact. That balance they both needed. Regina knew that. Appreciated that more than she could say. But in that moment it was too much. She shook her head to clear that ache away wishing the ones in her neck and spine would go away as easily.

Regina dropped her eyes. Strands of her fallen hair woven between fingers rested in her lap. In the bathroom she sat wrapped in a towel on the edge of the tub after her shower and it just kept coming out. Her eyes burned. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream, but instead she sat silent running her fingertips across the soft pile it was becoming between hands she didn't recognize as her own anymore.

Looking up again, she met the eyes in the mirror and wondered who they belonged to. And in an instant they became recognizable the more she looked and the more she realized the silence she was hiding behind was not so silent anymore.

It was breaking.

She heard the tears she wanted to let go of. Crying on the other side of the door. Regina realized suddenly those tears were on this side of the door too. She stood and reached automatically for a towel to wrap around her head as her cheeks became wet. Pausing as her hand hovered and after a moment she dropped it and opened the door instead. Going right to the bed and climbing up to sit, Regina pulled the tight hot bundle Emma had become in a tangle of blankets right up into her arms and held on.

So strong and so tired and so much more Emma was holding for both of them that Regina just held her wife. Kissed her girl. For a moment without letting the reason for being careful get between their skin as the towel fell away.

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Emma let out a strangled cry against Regina's shoulder, letting herself go to that raw place behind her eyes and then she remembered. Tried to sit up, to be careful, but her wife held her in such a way that moving didn't seem possible. Impossible and for a moment Emma let it be so in those arms. Those hard feelings came out and she cried with abandon. The months of worry and fear, of trying so hard, of working, of praying, of hoping; more tears came.

And Regina cried too.

Right along with her and the mask fell away for the tears they shared. For the same feelings they had been carefully keeping from and for the other in the name of love. To be more for each other in this fight they were in.

Sorry was said. On both their parts.

Emma reached up to cup Regina's cheek and her palm was kissed. Then she ran her hand through dark hair as a promise slipped from red lips not to let the mask come back again. Not to let it get in the way. Then Emma realized why maybe Regina had been hiding away from her tonight. It lay between them on the white blanket; a few dark strands crossed and tangled. She didn't say anything. She didn't need to, but Emma did pick each one up and bring it to her lips to kiss.

One battle fell down their cheeks just then and dripped onto their joined hands. Emma squeezed and Regina squeezed back. And between their hands Emma found some of her that had been missing. Small smiles for each other now spoke of understanding that came from the years of knowing the soul they were holding.

And that something more, when everything felt like less, would give them the hope they needed to keep fighting.

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**_A/N – Never give up that something more. Less is only what you make it. Thanks for reading._**


	3. Side By Side

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**Side by Side**

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Emma squeezed Regina's hand and waited patiently while she stared at the television in their living room without processing anything of the world outside flashing on the screen. The dull roar of the electronic buzzed in the background was always tuned into the news lately. Regina used to hate watching the news. Now it was the only thing she watched. When Emma asked why, her wife replied that it was a safe way to be in the world without the stress of stepping foot outside their home; a way for her to stay aware, but not be seen.

But Emma wanted Regina to be seen.

A few seconds later a delicate squeeze from the cool hand in Emma's came back. Emma closed her eyes and swallowed, forcing the burning sensation biting at the corners away. That squeeze had changed. Their whole world had changed with it.

The last few months had been a whirlwind of doctor appointments, medication adjustments and transitioning from Chemo to Immuno Therapy both she and Regina had been struggling to keep up with. At first Regina got stronger. Emma marveled at the life force returning to her wife after the first two treatments. Regina began to resume activities they used to enjoy doing together. Cooking together and Regina's appetite returned. Taco Tuesday out with their friends and making homemade pizza on Friday's while kicking back with Netflix were small staples of their life before Emma didn't know she had been missing.

In the early weeks of Immuno Therapy they had been spending long weekends between treatments in Boston visiting Henry. Their son was ecstatic at the change in both his mothers. The light and joy of living had returned to their eyes. Hope was good medicine. For a small pocket of time they could all pretend this was their normal. They were all sure this treatment was what was going to give Regina her quality of life back. And it had for the a few months until an additional diagnosis came to light.

Neuroblastoma.

A C-word that almost always only affected children.

Emma held her wife in the white sterile Oncologist's office. She wondered: _why white?_ Like the medical profession thought the surrounding clean untouched color would somehow make the black words coming from a doctor's mouth less so. Emma shook her head and tried to listen as they were told the news from a recent biopsy done to the kidneys that Regina was one in ten million adults affected by Neuroblastoma. With her paired diagnosis Regina was now a sought after celebrity in the oncology field. Emma scoffed at the news, holding Regina closer, oh so gently, as her wife patted her hand to calm her while they listened to what the doctor had to say about this new development.

Emma tried to listen, but her mind kept drifting. She always knew Regina was unique and she didn't need these black words pouring from the Doctor's mouth to tell her what she already knew. There was no one else like her wife in the world and no one was going to exploit that rarity into their clinical playground for research sake.

But Regina felt differently.

Her wife always was thinking of others. Right now Emma wanted to be selfish. Regina had already been through so much. Her body had tolerated all the chemo she could have right now. This new study and the treatment was the latest and greatest option available to them. Emma did not feel great at this news. Being a part of the study meant more tests, more doctors, and even more uncertainties with no promises. It also meant those tests and the current treatment would be paid for. Every. Single. Cent.

Emma knew where Regina's mind was going. Despite her care in dealing with the bills Regina knew they were piling up. This would help Regina had said. But Emma didn't want Regina to make this decision for that reason. What little privacy and routine Regina did have now Emma fiercely guarded. But like everything with her wife's condition this was of course Regina's decision and Emma yielded to her wishes to cooperate in the research study. There would be medical articles published about her treatment and progress. A chance to help others who may have the same rare combination of…

Emma sighed.

She still couldn't say that word.

Stomaching her own feelings Emma began to ask the Doctor that threw them this new curve ball in their life questions about their next steps. Regina had given her hand a strong squeeze in acknowledgement of her discomfort; their code that they understood where the other's heart was on whatever matter was at hand.

As Emma reflected on that visit and the last few months while sitting on the couch in the living room tears began to leak down her cheeks. She had been so hopeful this whole time since Regina had been diagnosed. Now… now she turned and really looked at her wife.

Regina sat propped up and reclining on the sofa wrapped up in blankets she would toss to the floor and then want to wrap up in again every half hour or so as her body temperature changed between chills and sweats. Skin that used to be a healthy tawny color Emma used to love to rake her nails over was now pale patches mixed with red and bruises where doctors had poked one too many times since their recent stay in the hospital. Tired brown eyes over dark circles that shouldn't be there were half open but not seeing, stared ahead.

Regina must have felt her looking because those once full red lips turned up in an attempt to smile, but those eyes gave away the pain it took for that neck to turn and look at her.

Wincing, Regina asked statically. "When will Henry be home from school?"

Emma's lips rolled in over her teeth and she forced a smile. "He's in Boston babe. Remember?"

Regina didn't seem to for a moment and that slight panic that flashed across brown eyes hurt Emma's heart. Emma simply waited for the present to catch up to her wife's drugged mind. Such a beautiful mind; now clouded and torn between questions and answers.

"Of course." Regina shook her head and blinked rapidly before dropping her head back to rest again. "I knew that my _Nina_."

Emma saw the way her cheeks flushed with embarrassment and leaned over to kiss the blush away as she gently snuggled up against Regina's shoulder. She squeezed her wife's hand again, running her thumb across those lovely knuckles and waited.

And waited.

Regina finally squeezed back and Emma began to understand how she could miss someone who by sitting right next to her.

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**_A/N: Still hoping and still fighting every day side by side._**


	4. Who is Brave?

:::::::::: Brave ::::::::::

Emma's face was raw and tight against her pillow case. She swiped a hand over her forehead, down a wet cheek to cover her mouth as a hot breath escaped between cries. It was too soon. It was not supposed to be like this. There was supposed to be more time; more choices, more of everything that was missing right now from their lives that neither of them was really living.

"Emma."

Her eyes closed at the utter acceptance in Regina's tone. Emma sucked in a breath between her teeth and turned to look at her wife. Those hooded brown eyes bore into her seeing the unseen others often missed; the long sleepless nights, the tears held back for smiles, the anger over the sheer unfairness of it all; the mirror of exhaustion looking back. "I'm right here, Regina."

"You're always right here with me." Regina's voice was stony and deep, the quiet rolling thunder of things needing to be said. "No one really understands this."

Emma's eyes closed, more tears falling. _This_. This hate for the thing—_Cancer_—that was stealing their time. Things did not matter anymore. Nothing else mattered right this moment except the voice that tried speaking again. Regina paused and blinked several times. Emma knew it was to clear the fog an endless amount of medication flowing through those veins caused. She reached out and traced a blue vein standing up on the back of Regina's hand before taking that lovely hand to squeeze once more.

"They don't understand." Regina concluded.

"Who?"

"Everyone. That I am not brave. I'm just here. Going from doctor to doctor, treatment to treatment, sleep to sleep; I don't _do_ anything."

Emma cleared her throat trying to just listen as she was learning when Regina needed her too and not interrupt. She never wanted that voice to leave the place between her ears.

"Niña." Regina's eyes closed for a long moment before opening again and letting out an uncontrolled breath as Emma's damp lashes kissed her cheek. Regina turned, resting her lips there.

"We're brave." Emma could feel Regina's small smile fading against her cheek; a smile that accepted her view, but did not share it.

"In this fight and after," another exhale as Regina squeezed back. And this time their hands did not let go. "Always it's been you, my love."

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	5. Today is Real

Today Is Real

Chapter Text

Unreal. 

Your heart left this world for a space of time I long to travel back through. Back and back in my mind I journey to the moment your eyes met mine the last time. Then back to the news of the cancer, the real pain, the proposal of hope in another life—not real. 

Back further to our first time our skin said hello. 

More lightly, to our epic battle of wills over who gets the last ginger snap—snap. 

Snap.

I feel today was yesterday. But I didn't know the truth then. But then, my truth is here.

And truth is a cruel mistress in my eyes. Cruel like today without your eyes. Real for the familiar comfort you hold me in. 

Held. 

Pieces of you lay in my hands. Your hands hold me up over the ground under my knees. Cold like the numb lies of today I tell myself. If only yesterday was real, today. 

And today I hold you. 

Real.


End file.
